Coach's Compass: Jealousy, Attraction Standards & Being Single in Your 30s

With Janelle Lynnae, Christian Dating Coach for Women

🌟 About Coach’s Compass
Coach’s Compass is Ark’s monthly Q&A series with Christian Dating Coaches. Each edition features real questions from singles navigating the ups and downs of modern dating — and practical, faith-centered advice from coaches who get it.

Q1: How Do You Deal With Engagement Envy on Social Media?

“How do I stop feeling jealous every time another engagement pops up on Instagram? I’m genuinely happy for them… but also heartbroken for me.” -Anonymous

Janelle's Answer:
Ugh. Yes. We have all been there 1000% and it honestly sucks to feel that jealousy and not WANT to feel like that. I think the first step is to give yourself grace and acknowledge that truly everyone experiences this, especially on social media. Married women who have been trying to get pregnant for years seeing everyone announce their pregnancy. Business owners who have been trying to build a successful business for years seeing other business owners pop off with wild success. People with health issues watching everyone become healthy, fit, and strong.

Jealousy of course isn’t Biblical, but release shame around feeling it. Shame is from Satan. God is gracious and loving. Receive God's gentle embrace in those moments, and ask the Holy Spirit to comfort the painful longing in your soul rather than judging yourself for it. I find this helps release the shame & jealousy quicker than going into a beat up session about it. Honestly, sometimes I’ve had to unfollow certain people or hide their content… not because they’re doing anything wrong at all, just because it’s too painful for me to see. And there have been seasons where God has asked me to fast from social media for 30-90 days! It might be worth praying and asking the Holy Spirit if you’re meant to fast from socials for a certain amount of time. Proverbs 4:23 — “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Sometimes guarding your heart looks like protecting your social media environment. Sure, you can see engagements in real life, like among your friend group or at church, but on social media you’re going to see 100x more because the whole world is on there. Anyway, I just hope you feel encouraged that you’re normal and it’s okay that you are experiencing these human emotions. Control what you can control, and give yourself grace for the rest. One affirmation I’ve heard people say is like: “I’m jealous because it’s meant for me”... and I think the Biblical version is “Maybe this ache is there because marriage is something God genuinely has in store for me too.”

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Q2: Is It Shallow to Care About Physical Attraction?

“Is it shallow that physical attraction matters to me? I’ve tried dating based on personality alone and it just doesn’t work for me.” -Anonymous

Janelle's Answer:
This may be an unpopular opinion in the Christian dating community… but no, I don’t think it’s shallow! When I was single, so many of my family and friends would tell me my standards were too high or that “he may look different than I think he will”. I always found that advice to be incredibly discouraging. When I started dating my now husband, it felt like an immediate “HECK YES!” From the beginning I felt like, “Wow I am SO lucky! He’s the FULL package!” Still to this day my husband is the biggest miracle God has ever given me. I never knew God could blow my mind like that, but He did. And I believe God wants to provide miracle marriages for people that feel mind-blowing! Now, that said, I also am going to contradict myself for a moment and say I still believe in going on dates with people even if there isn’t an immediate attraction because there ARE cases where attraction & chemistry in-person is soooo different than how it seems online. Or even if you have met them in passing one time like at church but you haven’t taken time to get to know them whatsoever, it’s worth 1 date. It’s a delicate balance of believing God wants to blow your mind & you WILL be attracted to your future spouse & pumped beyond belief to marry him or her!... and also choosing to be open to going on dates with people that might not have the best pictures online or at first glance didn’t catch your eye. I wrote a whole article on “5 signs you’re too picky” where I hash this delicate balance out in detail.

Q3: I've Never Been in a Relationship in My 30s — Is That a Red Flag?

‍“I feel embarrassed admitting this, but I’ve never been in a real relationship and I’m in my 30s. Is that a red flag to men?” -Help??

Janelle's Answer:
While it might be a red flag to some men, it won’t be a red flag to the RIGHT man. Everyone’s love story is so different! Some people dated a lot, had numerous serious relationships, then met their spouse! Some people barely date at all and have no serious relationships and then meet their spouse! So instead of viewing it as “right” or “wrong” just think of it as different.

I think probably the assumption when someone has never been in a serious relationship is that they are guarded, struggle with vulnerability and connection, or have an avoidant personality style. I obviously don’t know you at all, so I have no idea if any of that is true or completely untrue. If there’s truth to it, then I would seek revelation & healing from the Holy Spirit, and consider therapy to heal wounds in this area. But maybe there’s absolutely no truth to that, and it’s just that you haven’t settled into a mediocre relationship like so many other people have! Lol!

And hey, it’s probably God's protection that you haven't had your heart broken numerous times from serious relationships that didn’t work out!

It might be helpful for you to journal out a few bullet points of a thoughtful, confident response you’d like to give to men when you go on dates and they ask you if you’ve ever had a serious relationship. Come prepared to answer well. Tell them in story form, in a way that feels peaceful & grounded to you. If you explain it with confidence, they’ll feel that confidence and not worry about it. If you explain it with insecurity, they may pick up on it and feel a type of way about it. Your delivery and confidence is what matters most, which means working on your own mindset around it. Releasing shame and guilt in Jesus’ name. You’re not broken or weird. You’re clear on what you’re looking for and saving your heart for the right man.

How she came to her faith. It shows you that faith is important to you, you’re interested in her and her journey, and you’re also honoring God in that behavior as well.

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