What If We're Not Sexually Compatible After Marriage?

With Christian Sexologist, Brittany Broaddus-Smith, an international Christian Sexologist, licensed social worker, sexuality educator, trainer, and speaker whose work bridges the science and Scripture of human sexuality.

🌟 About Coach’s Compass
Coach’s Compass is Ark’s monthly Q&A series with Christian Dating Coaches. Each edition features real questions from singles navigating the ups and downs of modern dating — and practical, faith-centered advice from coaches who get it.

"I'm dating with marriage in mind, and I want to wait until marriage to have sex. But I'm worried about ending up with someone I'm not sexually compatible with. Is sexual chemistry something Christian singles should consider while dating?"

— Andrea S., Nashville, TN

Brittany's Answer: Listen, you’re waiting, honoring God with your body, and can’t seem to shake that nagging voice asking, “But what if we get married and…the sex sucks?” What if there’s no passion? What if we don’t fit? (Literally & figuratively). This is real, and I refuse to give you some fluffy “it’ll be fine” encouragement or dismiss a legitimate concern. Bad sex is possible, but it doesn’t have to be permanent. Awkward first times are common. 

What matters most while dating is character. Good Christian character, believe it or not, is a more dependable sign of the quality of sex in your future marriage than how hot and bothered they make you now. So while dating, know this: sexual chemistry and sexual compatibility are not the same thing. And despite popular belief, sexual compatibility is something you create, not something you find.  Are you two committed and intentional enough to communicate, laugh at yourself, and give each other the space and grace to grow? Do you like this person enough to see yourself, night after night (and that includes the nights when the clothes stay on), cultivating a culture of safety, freedom, exploration and excitement. That’s what it takes to become extraordinary lovers. 

Dating in a God-honoring manner, won’t let you assess physical features and abilities stereotypically associated with “good sex”. Don’t fret, though. If sampling before marriage guaranteed great sex, you wouldn’t see so many couples who had sex before marriage still struggling in the bedroom after. Sex gets better when you learn each other’s bodies, communicate your wants and needs, and grow in trust, confidence, and knowledge as individuals and as a couple. Sex and pleasure in covenant are designed to be more like a classroom than a test. So while you’re dating, focus on character over chemistry. Speak honestly about expectations and non-negotiables. Don’t let attraction cloud your judgement. The couples I work with didn’t always find sexual chemistry immediately, but they definitely created sexual compatibility along the way. That’s what allows pleasure to go the distance, even through the ebbs and flows of life.

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