Ghosted, Guarded & Getting Serious | Christian Dating Advice

With DJ Logory, Be That Guy

🌟 About Coach’s Compass
Coach’s Compass is Ark’s monthly Q&A series with Christian Dating Coaches. Each edition features real questions from singles navigating the ups and downs of modern dating — and practical, faith-centered advice from coaches who get it.

Q1: Why Do I Keep Getting Ghosted? What Am I Doing Wrong?

“What is WRONG with me??? I talk to or text a guy, and it seems to go very well, and then out of nowhere, I GET GHOSTED. No warning, no clue. What am I doing/ not doing, saying/not saying that’s wrong? HELP” — Always ghosted in Missouri

DJ's Answer:
This may hurt a little, yet being overly interested in a guy right off the bat can push him away. Think about it from your standpoint as well, if a guy were overly interested in you.
From a psychological standpoint, if somebody’s overly interested in me, it can trigger that they are dependent on me to feel validated, which means without me, they may not think they’re enough as is, which signals instability.
People in general don’t like that because then they may come off as needy or more “work” to be with. Instead of building something together, a lot of guys look at that as a friction in their lives.
Instead, I would try the perspective of being in an interview as if you are the interviewer and you’re interviewing him. This comes in as much more neutral, curious, and genuine. Because who knows that guy could be totally unstable and bad for you, so take the time to try and discover that first before you tell yourself you may be interested in him. (Keyword “may”!!)

Q2: Is He Serious About You? The Signs a Man Is Thinking Long-Term

“How do you know if a man wants to get serious with you? Are there clues?” - Anonymous

DJ's Answer:
He tells his mom, grandma, or sister about you. I’d say this is probably the biggest one.
He posts a picture of you and him on his Instagram; the story is the baby version of this.
He asks you to go to church with him.
He texts you on a Tuesday to see what you’re doing on Friday.
He asks you to work out with him. This one’s kind of big, assuming he values health and fitness. Think about this one: there are lots of attractive women at the gym, and if those attractive women see you with him, it signals that he is currently taken by you.
Now, I’ll also share this with you because I’m a guy and I know how guys think. He can also do this to show the other women that he is of value because it shows them that you want him for some reason.
So if he does want to work out with you, it’s a good sign; still, quietly observe his behavior at the gym. If he’s into you listening and paying attention to you, that’s huge; if he’s looking more at his surroundings and seeing who’s watching, that might be a little red flag.
He asks you what your goals are.
He introduces you to his friends. If he has a super close group of friends, say from high school or college, that he’s still close with, this one’s really big.
He asks for one night to stay in and make a meal together. This is very pure, very emotionally bonding because it’s a test on how you guys work together. You both get to enjoy the fruits of your labor together as well. It’s a great test in teamwork as a couple.
You ask him to give up video games, and he does.
You ask him to stop vaping because you think it’s gross, and he does.
You ask him to get in better shape and take himself more seriously, and he does.

Q3: She Pulled Back. Don’t Panic — Do This Instead.

“What to do if a woman pulls back?” -Single in Virginia

DJ's Answer
So I think I need a little more context with this one yet, if I’m in person speaking with a woman, let’s say, for example, I just met her and she pulls back. She seems a little hesitant. I would say it’s really nice to meet you and then say her name so that she knows you listen, because the number one thing that people like to hear is their name, and I would walk away.
And I would do this in a very friendly and respectful manner.
So, for example, Kelly, whom I just met 10 minutes ago, pulled back a little bit, felt a little hesitant, I would say…
"Hey Kelly, it was great to meet you. I appreciate the chat, and I’ll see you around. Then you smile, and you walk away.
I would not try to backpedal and earn her validation; instead, I would allow her a little space to separate herself from the reason she pulled back. If you just met her, you have no idea what her history or her experience with guys is, so give yourself some grace. P.S. I have botched this up 100s of times. This might let her think about whether she actually enjoyed talking to you.
Then what you do is later on in that evening, simply walk by her, give her a little smile or a hello, and if she grabs your arm or turns to you for conversation, then she has overcome why she pulled back and is open to reconnect. Then you choose if you’re open to the conversation, boom, you’re in the driver's seat now, baby!
If she says hi and then immediately looks back at her friends or at her phone, then keep walking, brother, and get back out there.
The rejection builds character, and I encourage it more than acceptance.
Boys get pissed about rejection.
Men wear it as a badge of honor.
Now, if she’s pulling back and you have been in a relationship with her or you have been building something together, I think a good question to ask is, “How do you think we’re doing?”
Let her take that and run with it because you allow her the opportunity to get her opinion across, which shows you value her and her ideas. This will also help you get some answers about what you’re doing too much of or too little of, and could open up the conversation of how you can both better work together in the relationship if this is something that you both collectively want.